A Night on Darillium
by dragonwings948
Summary: The beginning of the Doctor and River Song's 24 year night. Picks up at the end of the episode, spoilers for The Husbands of River Song.
1. The Promise

**A/N: Yes, I'm alive! :D Sorry for the long absence, school has been really busy and I haven't had as much time to write. I've been writing a lot of snippets of things without ever actually finishing them. Whoops.**

 **Anyway, I LOVED the Christmas special and Twelve x River is my new OTP. I just LOVE them. So naturally, I had to write this. Enjoy!**

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"How long is a night on Darillium?" River's heart beat faster as two seconds of silence ticked by. She held her breath. Never could she ever accept the thought of only spending one last night with the man she loved more than anything in the universe. How could she ever leave him after this?

Then the Doctor _smiled._ And although his face was new, River knew that smile. It was his smug, saving the day smile. He swiveled his head away from her to hide it, but it was too late. Hope had already blossomed inside of River.

"Twenty-four years," the Doctor said, turning his head the slightest bit toward her. Mirth shone in his eyes as he watched her, waiting.

It took a moment for the words to lodge themselves in River's brain. Twenty-four years. Twenty-four years with her Doctor. Twenty. Four. Years.

She could have sworn her heart stopped beating. Yet, she laughed in disbelief. He had done it again, like she had known he would. And all this time he had let her think that they only had one night. Stupid, stupid man.

Tears stung at her eyes. "I hate you," she forced out past her swollen throat. Contrary to her words, she took a step closer to him, her shoulder touching his.

A small smile broke out on the Doctor's face and he leaned toward her to quietly state, "No you don't." His eyes met hers and River couldn't quite believe that this was the Doctor. He—or anyone else, for that matter—had never looked at her quite like this, like…like he loved her. Like he was falling in love with her again at this very moment.

The intensity of his gaze forced her to tear her eyes away and look down at his shoulder. She took a deep breath and realised that her heart was pounding away at what felt like an impossibly fast rate. No doubt the Doctor could hear it. Right on cue, his fingers brushed against the palm of her hand, asking a silent question, _Are you okay?_. River took his hand and squeezed it. Cool metal pressed lightly into her skin and for a moment River allowed herself to be distracted by the thought that he wore a wedding band. _A question for later,_ she decided, and stored it carefully in the back of her mind.

With a deliberate swallow, River looked back up at the Doctor and once again found herself breathless at the look in his eyes. His lips stretched into a small smile and he gently compressed her hand. River wasn't sure she had _stopped_ smiling since he had told her how long this night was going to last.

The Doctor's gaze flicked down to her lips and his chin tilted toward her. River stretched closer to him, raising her free hand to rest it on the back of his neck. And then nothing could stop the inevitable. The Doctor _was_ the sun, his smile so bright it could light up a thousand worlds, his gravity no match for someone as small as her. Yet in all his glory, his eyes remained soft, and River could almost believe that in that moment he was just a man in love, nothing more.

River's thoughts came to a screeching halt as the Doctor closed the remaining distance between them. Their lips met in a tentative kiss, touching gently and then separating again after only a moment. River wasn't sure how, or when, the tables had been turned, but she had never expected to feel shy in the presence of the Doctor, and certainly she had never expected to kiss him like _that._ Somehow, he made her feel like a girl on her first date. As soon as River felt heat rise up to her cheeks she looked down, still so close to the Doctor that she couldn't tilt her head very far without her forehead touching his.

The Doctor's body vibrated with a quiet chuckle. River glanced up at him to see that he now wore a huge smile, his teeth gleaming in the golden light. His laughter seemed to be contagious, because River found herself joining in.

"What's so funny?" Absently, her fingertips began to stroke the soft curls on his neck.

Still grinning, the Doctor released her hand and turned his body to face her. "The universe," he said, his eyebrows raising in time with his voice.

River shook her head, finding a bit of her usual self again as she wondered, "Should I even ask why?"

"I didn't think I would ever see you again! And especially not like…" He gestured to his face. "This. And how we ended up here, of all places."

"For twenty-four years," River added in a whisper, reminding herself of the beautiful impossibility of it all. And yet, as she looked into his eyes, she remembered who he really was. All this tenderness, all this romance, it wasn't really him. This was the Doctor, the man who couldn't stand staying in the same place for thirty seconds unless there was some sort of mystery to solve. What in the universe could keep him here for twenty-four years?

River's hand fell from his neck and swung back to her side. The Doctor's smile vanished and his eyes grew wide. "River?"

She stared at the ground. She couldn't meet those eyes that had just moments ago been full of love for her. It couldn't have been real. Her vision blurred as the tears returned. "How long are you going to stay?"

Silence. Even the singing towers seemed to have paused for a breath. The night was still, and the Doctor was silent.

"You were wrong, you know."

River raised her head to meet his eyes, so earnest and piercing. Before she could berate him for changing the subject, he continued.

"Back on the ship, what you said about the sunset and the stars…you were wrong."

A wet trail made its way down River's cheek. "No, I was right." She blinked, and more tears escaped. "We both know you don't get emotional."

"But love isn't an emotion." He took her hand and guided it to rest on his chest, leaving his hand on top of hers. Twin heartbeats pulsed underneath her fingertips. "It's a promise."

 _Thump thump thump thump._ His heartbeats remained steady, while River could hear her own heart picking up speed and drumming in her ears.

The Doctor's eyes softened and he pressed her hand closer to his chest. "And River, I promise to stay with you all night. No running, just you and me." He paused for a moment, adding weight to the next words that he said so carefully, as if they would break when he uttered them. "Twenty-four years."

 _Thump thump thump thump._ His hearts never faltered once as he spoke. River bit her lip as a sob rose in her throat. She swallowed it back down and found she could only stare at the Doctor as tears trailed silently down her cheeks. For once in her life, she had no idea what to say.

The Doctor's lips twitched into a warm smile. "Gotcha."

Using her hand's position on his chest to her advantage, River wrapped her fingers around his tie and tugged his head down to hers. She grinned for a moment at his expression, frozen in shock, and then she kissed him, shifting her hand to his shoulder. The Doctor came to life at the touch of her lips, pulling her into his arms as he kissed her without a trace of the hesitance there had been last time.

River pulled away first, a bit breathless and unable to keep from smiling. She placed her hand on the Doctor's cheek and looked right into his eyes. "Thank you," she said, knowing he didn't need an explanation.

The Doctor smiled like he didn't have a care in the world. River thought she had never seen him so unburdened, so happy. He looked at her like she was the only thing that mattered to him. And for once, she could believe it.

"Always, River." He leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers, closing his eyes. River let her eyelids drift closed. The wind picked up and the song of the singing towers swelled to a crescendo, its music so beautiful that River felt tears stinging at her eyes once more. But even more beautiful was the rumbling sound of the Doctor's voice, barely audible, repeating his promise.

"Always."


	2. Their Dance

**A/N: Thank you so much for the amazing response to this fic! I'm so glad there are people out there who love these dorks as much as I do. I apologise for the wait for this chapter, but the next one is already written so it will be uploaded soon.**

 **This one goes out to all of you. Enjoy! :)**

"Sunglasses? Seriously?" River leaned her elbow on the table and cupped her chin in her hand, shaking her head.

"They're extremely useful, not to mention stylish." He produced a pair of black Ray Bans from inside his jacket and grinned as he donned them. The ridiculous sunglasses and the Doctor's wide, toothy smile made for an altogether absurd sight, and River couldn't help but laugh.

"And you thought a sonic trowel was ridiculous!"

"Pfft." The Doctor removed the glasses, setting them on the table, and rolled his eyes.

River smiled as she reflected on how similar he really was to the Doctor she knew best. Fezzes, bow ties, and now sunglasses. "You really haven't changed much at all, have you?"

The Doctor frowned and raised his eyebrows. "Haven't I?"

She met his gaze and noticed, not for the first time, that no matter how many versions of the Doctor she met, he always had the same eyes. Eyes that harbored pain, loss, and the heavy weight of the universe like no other pair of eyes in existence. Wild, intense eyes that seemed like they could burn a hole through a person if they wanted to.

How had she missed those eyes she would know anywhere?

The waiter then appeared and brought them their food. The man stuttered and grinned much too wide as he asked them if everything looked to their satisfaction, and River wondered exactly what sort of strings the Doctor had pulled to reserve this balcony. It had to be one of the most sought-after tables in the universe. However, as soon as the waiter was out of sight, the Doctor began the conversation first.

"So, River Song." He picked up his wine glass and examined it, turning it around in his hand. "What have you been up to?" With a degree of hesitance he took a sip of the crimson liquid, made a face, and then set it back down. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, his nostrils flared and brow furrowed in disgust.

River covered her mouth with her hand to hide her chuckle. She could handle the childishness of the young, silly Doctor she used to know, but the same attitude on this serious, lined face was just too much to handle. He seemed like such a powerful, stoic figure, but he kept reminding her that that he was still her Doctor; just in an older body.

The Doctor glanced at her, an eyebrow raised in question. "Do I not want to know?"

River shook herself out of her reverie. Everything about this: his new face, having unrushed time to spend with him, eating _dinner_ with him for god's sake; it was all too different than anything she had experienced and she wasn't quite used to it yet.

She smiled and raised her eyebrows. "Probably not. You've never really approved of what I get up to."

"Beheading kings and getting rich?" the Doctor queried with a half-hearted chuckle, though a serious curiosity shone in his eyes.

River had almost entirely forgotten about King Hydroflax and the diamond (where _had_ that got to, anyway?) in the recent rush of emotion. And remembering that mission stirred up memories from even further back that she had been trying so hard to repress.

"River."

She looked up to see the Doctor staring at her, eyebrows furrowed in concern. His eyes softened in understanding as she met his gaze.

"When he was reading your diary…he said the last place you had been to was Manhattan."

River had trained herself to put up a wall at the thought or mention of that city. She was too much like the Doctor, she had often thought: never wanting anyone to know her true motivations or feelings.

But this new Doctor had changed the rules. Rather than closing off his emotions, _this_ Doctor had showed no hesitance in telling and showing her how he really felt.

Maybe it was because of this, or maybe it was because she had missed him too much, but either way, River Song found herself spilling out the truth before she could even think about what she was saying.

"It was all just a distraction, you know: Hydroflax, the diamond, even Ramon. A fun challenge to keep me occupied." But even as she said it, a terrible feeling of sadness washed over her, memories of that fateful day coming to the forefront of her mind.

River cleared her thoughts and watched the Doctor's reaction. His eyes grew darker, his jaw became taut. No doubt his memories echoed hers. He let out a great sigh through his nose, mouth pressed into a hard line, and River identified this as his "thinking face" (even between two different faces, some things never changed). She knew that only two things could come out of his mouth: the truth, or a quick change in subject. While she had earlier reflected on the openness of this new face, this was a subject she expected him to avoid.

And yet, speaking slowly and carefully, as if the words were fragile, he said in a low rumble, "I wanted you to stay." His eyes remained glued to the table and his fingers drummed silently on the tablecloth.

The honesty of his admittance twisted River's gut with guilt, and she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment so she could remember her defense. "I know." The words came out as a shaky exhale of air, and River swallowed before continuing. "You and I had to deal with our grief in our own ways. With both of us so upset, I couldn't stay. You know I couldn't."

The Doctor's stare could have bored a hole through the poor table. River sighed. She hadn't wanted tonight to be like this. She composed herself and lightened her tone, deciding to move on from the topic for now. "Well, I suppose we both got something out of it in the end. You, a companion, and me, a diamond." She looked down at her food and finally took a small bite.

 _Not bad,_ she thought.

After a few more moments of silence, River dared to look up at the Doctor. He poked his fork around in his plate of pasta, eyes intent on the progress. From this angle, she couldn't discern the expression on his face.

"What did you do with the diamond, by the way?" River asked, hoping to break the serious mood that had come over him.

The Doctor glanced up in surprise, and a flicker of relief shone in his eyes. "It's in good hands," he assured her, cautiously lifting a forkful of pasta to his mouth.

River raised an eyebrow at him. "I _was_ still planning on getting paid for that."

He took a moment to swallow his food before answering. "I put it to good use. A good investment." One corner of his mouth twitched the slightest bit, almost forming into a smirk. He turned his head to look out at the singing towers, and then focused his gaze back on her.

River's gasp turned into a short, startled laugh. She looked out at the towers and the red sunset, back at the restaurant, covered in dazzling lights, and finally at the Doctor, his expression alight with amusement.

"You did all of this?"

His smile widened. "Consider it Christmas present number two."

River recovered enough to shake her head. "With my money. Typical."

The Doctor frowned at her retort, raising his eyebrows. "I don't think many husbands would create a restaurant just so that they could take their wife on a date, do you?"

"No," she murmured, finding her gaze drawn to the towers again. The music was stronger than ever; a beautiful, intricate melody that was already becoming so familiar to River. "In fact, I can only think of one man who would."

* * *

They spoke of happier things then: remembering old adventures, relating impossible tales, commenting on the quality of the food. Eventually they grew silent, their heads turned toward the singing towers. The crimson sun cast the monoliths in a radiant light, somehow heightening the effect of the enchanting music.

"Do you remember Queen Victoria's ball?" River's voice remained reverently quiet.

It took the Doctor a moment to recall the memory. At the name _Queen Victoria_ so many instances flashed through his mind, but he finally pinpointed the occasion River spoke of.

"The Queen was almost turned into a Cyberman," he stated, remembering the panic and terror. It had been his fault, but it had all worked out in the end.

"Your fault," River said as if she could hear his thoughts. "I insisted we should find the Cybermat, you said it was fine."

"I was…" The Doctor stared down at his hands as more detailed memories flowed into his mind's eye. "…occupied."

 _"It's just one Cybermat, dear," the Doctor insisted. "It can't do any harm on its own."_

 _River looked back at him with a resigned sigh. "As long as you're sure."_

 _"I'm always sure." He smiled at her as they danced; well, maybe_ attempted _to dance was the right phrase. He wasn't really sure what this dance was or how it went, so he just made up footwork along the way and River followed him. And yet, she still looked at him like he was perfect._

 _This was a much younger River, he had realized when he had run into her (quite literally). When he had first slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her close as the music began, he had heart her heart racing, seen the faint blush in her cheeks, felt her hand tremble against his. He wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time she had danced with him._

 _And that was why, just this once, he had to ignore the danger, if only for a moment longer._

 _Of course a Cybermat was dangerous, but he didn't want to rush into saving the day. Right now, all he wanted to do was dance with River Song and live up to the man she thought he was._

"Trying to remember how to dance? And failing?"

River's teasing voice pulled the Doctor from the memory and he looked over at her bright smile. Right now she looked much like she had that night: her hair done up, a dark dress hugging her frame, her eyes filled with a complex combination of emotions that the Doctor couldn't quite understand. Her beauty had stunned him as much back then as it did now, though in his last body he had stuttered and stammered, blushing and feeling just a little bit scared as he held her so close. Now he just couldn't stop staring at her, like she was the most beautiful work of art he had ever seen. But she was more than that; she was River, _his_ River.

"Something like that," the Doctor muttered, trying to recover from his thoughts. He didn't often get carried away with his emotions, but River's presence had always seemed to overwhelm him and muddle his thought processes. Apparently, it was no different in this body.

"You were a terrible dancer."

The Doctor remembered again her awed expression as she gazed at him. He was almost positive now that it had been one of her first dates with him. "You didn't mind," he quipped back, finding his lips twitching into a teasing smile.

"I _did,_ but…" River smiled, her eyes looking past him. "It was the first time you ever danced with me."

He was right, then. "I know. You were shaking."

She trained her gaze back on him. "So were you."

The Doctor tried to hide his smile, turning back to the towers. River was one step ahead of him, as always, and she was also right.

"I'm better at dancing now," he told her, though as he said it he wasn't quite sure how he knew. Something itched in the back of his mind, a memory of a dilapidated ballroom and minor waltz playing on an old, forgotten piano.

He stopped the scene in its tracks, knowing that it would never be complete. He would never remember the face of the girl that had danced with him.

"Now _that,_ my love, is something I have to see."

The Doctor watched as River stood, walked around the table, and extended her hand towards him. The Doctor stared at her hand, glanced at the towers, and then looked into River's eyes.

"I don't think there's a dance that goes with it," he said with a nod at the towers.

Her hand remained, palm up, waiting. "Then we'll make up our own. It's not like we've ever gone by the rules anyway."

Of course she was right. She always was.

The Doctor got to his feet and grasped River's right hand in his left, leading her away from the table and towards the edge of the balcony. He turned to face her, and River copied his movement. The Doctor slid his arm around her waist and held her gingerly at a safe distance. River smirked at him and took another step forward so that they were almost toe-to-toe.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at her. "Not much room for error." He nudged his foot against hers to prove his words.

River, grinning now, placed her hand on the back of his neck. "That's _exactly_ how I like it. "

The Doctor realised, not for the first time, that River had the remarkable talent of being able to make anything she said sound like an innuendo. He told himself _that_ was why he felt prickles of heat in his cheeks and _that_ was why he felt his stomach flip. But while he knew River's love of making him feel uncomfortable was part of it, he couldn't deny that he was just a little bit afraid like he had been that night at Queen Victoria's ball. Once again he found River Song looking at him with a sort of wonder and amazement, like he was the burning sun in the sky.

He wondered if he would ever shatter her vision of him. Could he truly live up to everything she expected him to be?

Maybe not. But he could try.

The Doctor took a step back. River mirrored him. And while the song of the singing towers wasn't steady or regular, somehow they still danced in time across the balcony.

 _The story of our lives,_ the Doctor thought to himself. Nothing about their relationship had ever been remotely normal, and yet here they were, married, dancing, loving each other after all this time. They had made it work; it was their dance.

River smiled up at him, seeming to be glowing in the magnificent light of the blazing sun behind her. The Doctor felt her pinky finger caress his ring finger and slide over the wedding band he wore there, as if asking the silent question: _Is this what I think it is?_ He glanced over at their intertwined fingers and then focused back on her face. He felt his lips curve into a small smile.

"Yes. You know, I _am_ a married man."

River matched his grin and used her hand on his neck as an anchor to pull herself fully against him in a sort of embrace, leaning her head on his shoulder. Their feet halted, though they swayed back and forth in an imaginary rhythm. River's fingers toyed with the Doctor's curls as he bent down to place a kiss on the crown of her head.

And in that moment, the Doctor wasn't afraid anymore.


	3. Nightmares

**A/N: Sorry for the longer wait than I anticipated! Conducting class started kicking my butt. Thank you for all the reviews, follows, and favourites on this fic! I really appreciate it all so much. I'll eventually get around to replying to reviews...**

 **Anyway, I have two more chapters of this fic partially written and I have ideas for more, so this fic isn't ending any time soon! It just might be a bit longer in between updates.**

 **Enjoy! :)**

The lights in the TARDIS brightened as the Doctor and River stepped inside, hand in hand. A cheerful whir emanated from the console.

River chuckled and pressed the Doctor's hand. "I think she's happy to see me."

"She's happy that you're staying." He looked over at River, the sight of her bright smile causing a similar grin to tug at his lips. He still couldn't quite believe that this was happening. River was here, and she was staying with him for twenty-four years. Even to his time sensitive mind, the thought was dizzying. "You never stay for long," he continued, softer. He turned to face her and squeezed her hand, staring right into her bright eyes. "She misses you."

River shook her head, exhaling in a huff mixed with an ironic chuckle. "I'm still waiting to wake up and realise that I've been dreaming." She reached her free hand around his neck, her fingertips toying with the ends of his curls, looking at him in wonder.

Despite the feeling of pleasure at her delicate touch, a wave of guilt overwhelmed the Doctor's senses. All this time, after all they had done, River had no idea how much he loved her. And while he thought she had a pretty good idea of the depth of his devotion now, she still felt like this was too good to be true; a fanciful dream.

How many times had she dreamed of moments like this because he had always left her alone to rush to the next adventure? How many times had he abandoned chances to tell her and show her just how much she meant to him?

He met her gaze and sighed. "I don't think I could ever make up for all the mistakes I've made in being your husband. But maybe, in twenty-four years, I can at least make a start." A frown came unbidden to his lips as he worried if he had said the right thing. Conveying emotions, especially _these_ kinds of emotions, was not one of his strong points.

River smiled and leaned forward to peck a kiss on his lips. It came on so fast that the Doctor didn't even have time to process what had happened, let alone respond to it. River pulled away with a smirk, her eyes on his lips, as if she were contemplating repeating the gesture.

The Doctor tugged on his collar as warmth began to creep up his neck. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Still not…used to it in this body."

"Well." River's smirk grew into a mischievous grin as she drew closer once more, the tip of her nose brushing his. "We'll just have to fix that." she whispered, her breath washing over his lips.

The sudden proximity made the Doctor's gut clench. Part of him was ready to turn and run from the outright _flirting,_ while the other part wanted to just give in and close the small gap between them to kiss her.

However, River moved first, withdrawing from him with a chuckle as amusement gleamed in her eyes. No doubt she could just about read his internal struggle. "You're still you," she stated. Her gaze softened and she stepped forward to wrap her arms around his waist, her head coming to rest on his shoulder.

Caught off guard by the sudden change in mood, the Doctor hesitated for a moment before returning the embrace and pulling her close. "What do you mean?"

A teasing note crept into her voice. "Equal parts fear, awkwardness, and desire," she stated simply. "It's always that way with you."

The Doctor felt his cheeks grow a little warm and began to retort, but River cut him off.

"Listen to those hearts speed up."

He could almost _feel_ her grin, though her face was still hidden in his shoulder. "River!" he reprimanded. He could have gone on then about the differences between the words _desire_ and _love_ and how she had absolutely used the wrong one, but he dismissed the thought and just smiled instead. Though he hated it sometimes, he had missed her teasing. He had missed _her._

River laughed lightly, turning her face into his neck and hugging him tighter. Her chuckles faded into a sigh and she shifted her head again, her curls tickling his chin. The Doctor rested his head against hers and echoed her sigh, pressing her closer to him. Moments like this had always been so rare; the quiet moments when they weren't rushed, when they could spend as long as they wanted in each other's arms. But now they had twenty-four years. Twenty-four years of _this._

As the Doctor's train of thought passed, his gaze wandered to the TARDIS console. An out of place blob of red caught his eye, and suddenly he remembered. It had appeared there after he had gotten dressed for dinner; the TARDIS must have created it, just as she had made the last one.

"River," he murmured, gently extracting himself from her hold.

She looked up at him with a weary smile. The Doctor had almost forgotten that River needed sleep. Not as much as an average human, of course, but still much more than a time lord.

He filed the thought away for later and smiled back at her. "I have one more thing to give you tonight."

She quirked an eyebrow at him. "Another present?"

He shrugged. "To make up for all the other Christmases." He turned toward the console, but then had a thought and spun back around. "You have to close your eyes."

River obeyed him, a light smile still on her lips. The Doctor jumped to the console and grabbed the diary in his hands. He gazed at it for a moment, running his fingers over the smooth red cover that matched the colour of one of his coats. For a moment he let his mind wander back to when he had first picked up River's TARDIS blue diary from the console, so long ago. He had recognised it immediately from the library, a painful reminder of where their relationship was doomed to end.

But _this_ diary held no such connotation. This new diary, he had guessed, was for the coming years they would spend together, a way to record the best memories throughout all twenty-four years.

The Doctor smiled at the book and walked back over to River, holding the present out in his hands. "You can look now."

Her eyes met his briefly before they traveled down to the gift. She gasped and took the diary into her own hands, running her thumb over the square-shaped grooves embossed in the cover. She pressed the book against her chest and looked up at him, her eyebrows raised and her eyes wide with wonder and surprise.

"I think you'll find there are just enough pages for twenty-four years," he said in response to her unspoken question.

She leaped forward to hug him again, and this time he was ready to catch her in his arms. "Thank you."

He squeezed her around the waist and then pulled away, noting her tired expression once again. "I'm sure the TARDIS has kept your room tidy," he said, pulling away. "You should get some rest."

River grabbed his hand. "Will you come with me?" she asked, her eyes exuding innocence.

The question seemed harmless enough, but the possible implications made the Doctor's ears grow warm. Though the thought of a nap was tempting, he was not getting anywhere near that situation. "I have some repairs to do," he replied quickly, slipping his hand out of hers lest his palms should start sweating. He swallowed and then added some more explanation to fill the silence. "The TARDIS is worn out from the whole ordeal with not being able to take off, and then Hydroflax rampaging around inside her…"

River looked straight into his eyes, and he knew she could read him like a book. She frowned, her expression falling from the smile that had been there all night.

Guilt came like a stab to the Doctor's gut. He was always doomed to ruin their happiness; would it ever stop?

"Do I at least get a goodnight kiss?" River asked, interrupting his thoughts. The shadow of a smile ghosted across her lips.

The Doctor cupped her chin in his hands and bent forward to place a kiss on her forehead. He closed his eyes for a moment and brushed his thumb over her cheek. Though he might be complete rubbish at this whole husband thing, he hoped she still knew that she meant the universe to him.

River's expression was lighter when he pulled away. "Goodnight, Doctor." She turned and walked toward the TARDIS corridor, casting one look back at him over her shoulder.

"Goodnight, River Song," the Doctor murmured to himself as River disappeared down the corridor.

The TARDIS seemed much too quiet. Even the engines had grown silent, and the console emitted no signs of life. The Doctor spun in a slow circle, looking over the motionless console room.

 _She'll leave you,_ his mind whispered. _She'll see that you can't ever make her happy and she'll leave you all alone in your empty TARDIS…_

The thoughts made his hearts quicken. He tried to inhale a large breath, but it seemed to get stuck somewhere in his throat. He reached up to his collar and tugged on it, letting air pass through to his skin. With a sigh, he found he could breathe normally again.

The Doctor braced his arms on the console and then rubbed a hand over his face. This had been happening more often of late, ever since…since _her_. Vastra had told him it was a symptom of intense grief or fear. A panic attack. He had scoffed at her. He could never admit the truth to anyone.

He was afraid of being alone.

He clenched the edge of the console until his knuckles turned white, focusing only on the sight of his hands and the pain in his fingers. All other thoughts scattered from his brain.

Finally, he relaxed his muscles with a sigh. There were plenty of things to do that could occupy his mind. He pictured his guitar in his hands, his fingers wandering over the frets as he played…

The song forced itself into his mind, pushing away the calming thoughts. The only song. _Her_ song. It took over every thought, weaving itself into his bloodstream, overwhelming every sense, drowning him in sadness, hopelessness…

The Doctor shook his head and pulled himself from the trance. He still couldn't play guitar, then. He wondered if he would ever be able to again; the song seemed to be a part of him now, a painful reminder of what he had lost.

Before the earworm could return, he turned his mind on something else. He reached inside his coat and grabbed his sonic screwdriver, turning it over in his hands.

Just over two hours later, the Doctor had taken the screwdriver entirely apart and put it back together perfectly (apart from one extra piece he wasn't sure about), calculated thirteen almost certainly impossible attachments he could create to finally make the instrument compatible with wood, and eaten an entire bag of jelly babies.

The Doctor stared at the sloppy mechanical sketches scattered around him and rubbed a hand over his eyes. When was the last time he had lied down? He couldn't even remember. It really was time for a rest…

He let his screwdriver drop from his hand and clatter onto the grating. What was he doing? River was just down the hallway. He had promised to spend twenty-four years by her side. He needed her, and by the way she had looked at him, she surely needed him too. And yet here they were, both alone, because he had felt uncomfortable and hadn't said a word about it. He clenched his hands into fists. He was such an _idiot._

Stuffing the screwdriver back in his pocket, the Doctor jumped to his feet and marched through the TARDIS corridor to River's room. As he approached, the door slid open and the Doctor slowed his pace. He padded into the carpeted room, the layout faintly illuminated by a dim light in the ceiling.

River lied on her side in the bed, taking up half of the space on the mattress. Her hair, now undone and spilling over her pillow, covered her face from the Doctor's angle. On the empty side of the bed sat an open diary. The new journal was open to the first page, and the Doctor could see the curves and swirls of River's penmanship covering the paper.

The Doctor walked over to the vacant side of the bed and stared down at the entry. He read the first two words: _The Doctor._ He could have so easily skimmed through the page in a matter of seconds, but instead he reached down and closed the diary, setting it on the ground next to the bed. He would ask for River's permission first.

He looked down at River's face, framed by wild curls. With eyes closed, lips formed in the slightest of smiles, and her expression so innocent, he was reminded of who she really was. _Melody Pond._ The daughter of his two best friends. And when he had failed to save her, she had become a weapon created to destroy him. But instead of killing him, she had fallen in love with him. She had married him.

The Doctor shook his head. Their story had always been so strange and twisted from the very beginning. He never imagined that it could ever be any different, that they could live a normal life. But now here they were: married, with no monsters to fight and twenty-four years to pass by.

The thought brought a smile to his face as he knelt down beside the bed. Silently, he unlaced his shoes and removed them. Next he unbuttoned his coat and tossed it on the ground, then loosened his tie and dropped it on top of the coat. He stood up and lowered himself onto the edge of the bed. Taking care to create as little disturbance as possible, he slid underneath the blanket, leaving several inches of space between himself and River.

However, almost as soon as he had settled his head on the pillow, River scooted closer to him and curled into his side. The Doctor lied stiff. River sighed contentedly and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Goodnight, Sweetie," she whispered.

The kiss seemed to free his body of all tension. "Goodnight, River." His eyelids weighed down, and he found his blinks becoming longer and longer. Definitely time for a nap…

 _The Doctor watched a figure with a head of brown hair disappear as it turned a corner. Somehow, he knew it was Clara, and this time he would see her face. He would know._

 _He ran to catch up with her, his hearts drumming a quick pulse in his ears. Sweat began to trickle down from his forehead. His mouth dried out. Though he had only been running for a few seconds, it felt like he had been doing it for years._

 _They path they ran down seemed to never end. She always stayed just inches from his outstretched hand, never even turning her head to acknowledge his presence._

 _Finally, the Doctor couldn't run anymore. He collapsed onto the pavement, pounding his fists on the ground as he landed on his knees. Blood trickled down the sides of his hands where his skin made contact with the rough pavement._

 _He had failed once again. He would never remember. No matter how hard he tried, she was always just out of reach. He would always be alone._

 _"Doctor!"_

 _Was that her voice?_

 _"Doctor."_

 _Was that her hand on his cheek? If he could only look up, he could see her face, but his body just wouldn't obey his command._

 _"Wake up."_

* * *

River hovered over the Doctor, one elbow on either side of him, her right hand on his cheek. With his eyebrows furrowed, lips pressed tightly together, and fists clenched at his sides, every muscle in his body seemed to be tense in agony.

"Wake up," she urged him, stroking her thumb along his cheek.

Finally the Doctor opened his eyes and blinked once, his pupils dilating as they immediately adjusted to the darkness. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he focused on her, as if he had been expecting to see someone else. One by one his features relaxed and River felt the sheets shift as the Doctor released them from his grasp.

"River?" he mumbled, his voice breaking on the second syllable. Though she was sure he was awake now, his gaze seemed distant, like he was still living in the dream, and his breathing remained quick and erratic.

"I'm here, my love." While his expression had relaxed, he looked defeated rather than at ease. "You were having a nightmare."

The Doctor shook his head and lifted himself onto his elbows. River sat back, giving him space. "Not a nightmare," the Doctor muttered as he rubbed a hand over his face, "I've been having that dream for months." He ran a hand through his hair and took deep breaths, using his other hand to reach up to his collar and undo the top two buttons of his shirt. He sighed and hung his head, his breathing returning to normal.

River watched him silently, feeling his sadness and frustration as if it were her own. This was a practiced routine between the two of them; never once had she ever seen the Doctor get through a nap without nightmares, and she knew he always needed space before comfort. While she had hoped that these twenty-four years could be happier than the snippets of time they had spent together in the past when he had always been hurting over something, she supposed it was just too much to ask. He was the Doctor, and he was always in pain. But only in the land of his dreams did he ever face it.

"Doctor?" she asked quietly after a few moments.

He leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing together.

River reached out and settled her hand on his arm. "You never answered my question."

The Doctor's eyelids opened slowly and his gaze focused on her, worn and weary. "What question?"

She remembered how he had looked on that balcony: the light reflecting off of the tears in his eyes, his lips pressed together to hold it all in. While she knew that he had been grieving over their last "night," she had also noticed something else, something hiding much deeper. "Why are you sad?"

She could almost physically see the wall come up behind his eyes. His expression became unreadable. "You know why."

"It's not just me. There's something else, isn't there?"

He looked down, staring at his hands.

River added gentle pressure to his arm. "I know you traveled with someone else after Amy and Rory."

He flinched. He looked up at her and a thousand different emotions seemed to flicker across his face: guilt, fear, sadness, and everything in between. This was a long, sad story, something he wasn't proud of. Something that had been torturing him for a long time.

"I'm not going to make you tell me, Doctor, but I don't want you to be afraid of me."

His eyes widened. River shifted her hand to his cheek again, and this time he leaned into her touch. His expression slackened. "I was going to wait to tell you; wait until we had spent some time here together. Wait until it became more bearable." He sighed, glancing down before meeting her gaze again. "But I don't think it will."

She could read the fear in his eyes as clear as if he had confessed it. "I'm not going to leave you." He leaned away from her an inch and his eyebrows rose in surprise. She had hit it right on the mark, then. He had always secretly been afraid of being alone. Well, _he_ thought it was a secret.

"I love you," she continued, "and nothing will ever change that."

He attempted a small smile and then leaned away from her to rest the back of his head against the headboard. He crossed his legs and clasped his hands together in his lap.

River copied his position and sat next to him, leaning her shoulder against the headboard.

The Doctor looked down at his hands, wiggling his fingers. "Her name was Clara," he began. "I think she was my best friend."

"Think?" River asked quietly, catching that crucial word.

He shook his head. "I don't remember."

The pain in those words was enough to make River reach out and grab his clasped hands. To her surprise, he took her hand in one of his and squeezed it.

"It was my fault," he continued, staring at their interlaced fingers. "If I wouldn't have let her get so reckless, if I wouldn't have gone so far to save her…"

"You're talking about her as if you remembered her."

The Doctor huffed. "I remember that she was with me. I remember things that we did. But it's not…it's not like I was there. It's like reading a book. I don't remember the emotions, the feelings that I had. I don't remember her face. I don't remember her voice, or her laugh."

River pressed his hand, waiting. Hesitant at first, he began to tell the tale of a girl who had saved his life countless times, a girl who had pulled him out of his darkest times. He told her about the trap street and Clara's thoughtless choice, about how the time lords had sent him into his confession dial.

"How long did they keep you there?" River asked when he explained how he escaped the prison.

He glanced at her and then returned his gaze to his lap. He pressed his lips together.

"Doctor?" she prodded, beginning to fear the answer.

"Four and a half billion years," he stated, his voice so soft she could barely hear him.

River gasped. She pulled her hand from the Doctor's and balled it into a fist. If any other time lord had been in the room, she was sure she could have ripped their throat out.

"How could they do that to _you?"_ she exclaimed. "You _saved_ them. Your own people, and they—"

"River," he said calmly. He looked at her, raising his eyebrows as he reclaimed her hand. "I know. But I had to stay there."

She shook her head, exhaling in a huff. "What do you mean? They trapped you."

"They wanted information. About the Hybrid. If I would have given it to them, they would have let me go. But I had to get to Gallifrey." He sighed, hanging his head. "I had to try and save her."

"What did you do?" River whispered, her anger morphing into sorrow. She couldn't imagine the Doctor being in that place for so long, and yet, the Doctor always loved so much, with everything he had, that she had no doubt that he had done all of this to save his companion.

He continued in his story and told her that he had been on Gallifrey, had spoken to Rassilon, and had become Lord President by hardly even saying a word. He made it clear that everything he had done had been for one purpose: to bring back Clara.

"They extracted her just before her death," he explained. "I tricked them and told them that I needed her for information about the Hybrid. And then we ran." His jaw tensed and he squeezed her hand hard. "I killed the General so that we could escape."

"He was a time lord," River offered, though she knew it would do little to console him. "He regenerated."

"It doesn't make it any less of a murder." After a moment he sighed and went on. He explained how he and Clara had escaped in a TARDIS. How her heart still hadn't started beating. How he had formed a plan to wipe her memory, only to have it backfire when she bested him.

"And so I went looking for her," he continued. "I don't know how long it's been, but I've been searching. I keep finding myself in places I know we've been. I keep almost remembering. But everything is just out of reach."

River remained silent, thinking through all that had happened. She wished she could blame someone, a god or something, for punishing him once again where it hurt the most. But it wasn't the work of a malicious deity she could march up to in order to give it a piece of her mind; it was simply the unfairness of the universe at work.

When she did speak, all she could manage was a soft whisper. "I'm so sorry, Doctor."

He met her gaze, his eyes filled with pain and loss. "She took my memories away so I could let her go." He shook his head. "But I can't." He pressed her hand between both of his, letting out another sigh. River placed a light kiss on his cheek and rested her forehead against his temple.

"You don't deserve this," she murmured. "My love, what can I do?"

His body began to shift and River drew away, but before she could move very far he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into his lap. The embrace squeezed the air from her lungs in a single huff of air before his arms loosened. River sat stunned for a moment before she was able to wrap her arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor mumbled after a moment.

 _"Sorry?"_ How typical of him to relate such a painful story and then apologize.

"For last night."

It took River a minute to remember what he was talking about, as her head was still full of the Doctor's story. She had almost forgotten how he had left her alone last night. She lifted her head from his shoulder to meet his eyes, though she hadn't realized quite how close he was. To find his bright blue eyes only inches in front of her stunned her into silence for a moment, and all she could do was stare. There were so many times she had thought to herself that a person could get lost in those eyes, in their depth and timelessness.

River cleared her throat and recovered her thoughts. "This is going to take some getting used to for both of us." She nestled herself in his arms and ducked her head under his chin. "I'm not cross about it."

"But I am. I promised you that I'd stay and then I left you alone."

"You were scared." She reached up to stroke his cheek and he looked down at her. She couldn't help but smile. "You've always been afraid of me."

He chuckled half-heartedly, confirming her suspicions. "That's how you've wanted it."

"But not like this." She sat up, reaching above her to frame the Doctor's face with her hands and guide his head down so she could meet his eyes. "All I want is to be with you, like this, without anything in between us. You carry the weight of the universe on your shoulders, but it doesn't have to be a wall that you put up." She looked into his eyes and hoped that he could read the emotions behind her words, the feelings that were too strong to express in words. "You don't have to carry it alone."

The Doctor didn't smile, but in his eyes she saw gratitude, hope, and…love. "River," was all he said, leaning forward to press a tender kiss against her forehead. River closed her eyes. Her heart drummed hyperactively in her chest. How did he manage to be so…so _sexy_ without even trying?

"It's not sexy," the Doctor muttered with a frown as he pulled away. "It was supposed to be…" The frown deepened as he searched for a word. "…not sexy."

"Mind reader now, are we?" River chuckled, looping her arms around his neck again and turning into his chest.

The Doctor's arms held her close. "Just a very good guesser."

River attempted to think of another witty remark, but her body, being relaxed, warm, and comfortable, had already begun sinking into unconsciousness again. She buried her face in the Doctor's shoulder and let her eyes drift closed. She felt the Doctor's lips press against the top of her head.

"Sleep well, River."

And she did, for the first time in a very long while.


End file.
